Setting boundaries is like installing a baby gate

In the beginning, you don't always know what your child is going to hit their head on until they do.  

With your first baby, you might not even be thinking about it until you see them get a little too close to a sharp corner. What happened to your tiny, immobile baby? (I feel like my youngest was born 5 minutes ago, yet somehow, he’s now 21 months and running around!) 

It's a little bit similar when you return to your paid job and start to figure out what boundaries you need. It might be the first time you’ve needed to think about this properly, and often you don’t start this process until you bump up against something spikey. 

Boundaries that worked for you before you had children, aren't likely to work for you anymore.  

Where should you start?

Like when childproofing, you can make an educated guess. Look out for the spiky bits. The sharp corners and things you've caught your ankle on. 

What are the obvious things? This might be about the time that you leave your paid work; the time that you start; or how flexible your work-from-home day is.  

Once you've identified some potential hazards, what kind of protection works? 

What has worked for you before? What do you see others do? What do the professionals say?  

You can take some professional advice. I can't be the only one who's Googled how to baby-proof a living room or bathroom! This is where a coach might come in, having a look through the other blogs here on Careering Into Motherhood, or perhaps attending a workshop. 

Communication is the best tool at your disposal to protect your boundaries. 

Before we jump into how to communicate, I want to take one step back.  

Sometimes at the beginning, your boundaries might need to be a little bit blunt. Like a baby gate. Something to support you to build the habit while you're learning what works.  

Because the baby gate isn't forever, it's temporary. 

For example, some people choose to start their return to paid work purely working from home because this helps ease the transition. Or perhaps you want to finish early to start with so you can settle your child into nursery with shorter hours. 

Boundary communication tools 

In your diary, can you put some blockers to protect the time you need for pickup and drop off? Maybe that's in as a private appointment to start with, before you feel comfortable sharing your boundaries more openly. 

Maybe you need a reminder, an alarm on your phone, or something in your calendar. Some of my return-to-work coaching clients like blocking a bit of time *before* the end of the day. Then there's no chance (or realistically, less chance) of having a meeting running right up to the time you need to leave. 

These guard rails don't have to be there forever. As you strengthen those muscles and learn what works for you, you can be more flexible. 

Holding your boundaries 

Hands up who's left the baby gate open? Boundaries only work if you actually hold them.  

Something I do when I'm talking to clients before they return to paid work, is ask: What will you do in the moment when you're asked to do something that pushes at your boundary? Perhaps that's staying late working in the office or being available at a time that doesn't suit you. Thinking about this ahead of time can help you decide what you will do without pressure. 

When you're first learning to hold that boundary – always close the baby gate, even if the baby is on the other side of the room. You need to build a habit of closing it. What habit can you build around a boundary you want to hold? 

When can you take down some of the baby-proofing? 

One day you're going to need to take that baby gate away. Ideally, that's not because your child has learned to climb over it.  

Instead, the point at which you take that blunt boundary away is where you've built up healthy boundaries within your workplace relationships. Within a healthy relationship, you don’t need (or want) only rigid boundaries. You can flex your boundaries.  

You will get to times where you think “Yeah, you know what, I can watch you climb the stairs”. Likewise at work, one day you’ll think, “yes, I can swap those days around”.

It's okay to start with the safety rails on.  

As you work out what you need and what's getting in the way, test your boundaries. And then you can take the extra padding and the bits you don't need away. 

What would help you with your boundaries? I’d love to hear from you. Email me – sam@thefloat.space or find me on Instagram @thefloat.space